Sunday, March 10, 2024

please have patience

I understand the anticipation and excitement and hope.
 (I too have been waiting a long time for my own dream. )

Yes, the time is always now to act.

 But part of acting towards your dreams is remembering to breathe and allowing yourself and others to unfold as they unfold.( One does not rush the butterfly coming out of its cocoon or the rose petal unfolding bc if one does, one can damage the petals or wings or life force of the other. )

I ask that you have patience with my own and other life forces and your own as you move steadily forward through to your final goal..

  long-term and in the big picture of it all, one must remember that the journey itself is just as important, if not more important than the final destination... 

 We all are going to die and the universe itself will achieve its omega in the end regardless of us . We are each but a smaller part of a greater project , a greater whole.  

To thoroughly feel the totality and awe and beauty of the whole, we must remember to have patience with each of the other parts of this whole and with our own individual parts as well. 

 To allow each of us and ourselves to not rush but rather to allow each of us to be a part of it at our own individual paces.. that being said.. go ahead and rush.. as perhaps that is what the universe asks and wants of you.  

The universe is full of beautiful explosions of energy as well as the slow beautiful unfolding of nature as well. 

Just please be mindful of both the positive and negative effects it can have others and consider which effect you as a consciousness want to have on the other please. 

  I ask just for your own mindfullness of other's journeys as you rush faster in your own excitement....         


March 2024

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

different perspective - yes you most certainly are the victim ad other controversial statements most of you are sure to disagree with or will be deeply offended by or abhorred by

pet peeves of mine

Pet peeve 1:
To me one of the worst things you can do is to tell someone the phrase 
"You need to go see a therapist" or "go see a professional" bc that is telling a pwrson that they are not good enough for you to listen to them.  That YOU are not willing to be the person to listen them .. that the are worthy enough to have YOUR ears. If you don't have time to listen to them or even worse don't want to listen to them, then ask them to write it all out in a letter to you.  So at least they have hope you will listen to them and it also gives them a chance to listen to themselves.
If they don't want to write it out, tell them to record it into an recording and when you get a chance you will listen to it but emphasize that before they send it to you that the first take a moment to listen to the whole thing themselves first. (Btw if they do actually send it to you, andyou feel you are too busy, tell them the phrase I would like for you to listen to it with me, let's set up a time for you to listen to it with me.  
In most cases they will never send anything to you but they will feel like you care a little more then if you had just shunted them off to some 'professional'

If the actually send something to you, it means there is something they really needed you to specifically hear.   If you are terrified to listen to it with them then set up a time with a professional yourself and invite them to listen to it with you with the professional but make it is clarified that the professional isn't there for them, that you hired them for YOU.

Pet peeve #2
The most ridiculous phrase ever: live each day like it's your last.  Fuck NO..  bc if you actually lived each day like it was your last you would never do anything for tomorrow.  You would be living in a way where you were waiting to die.
Sure you would maybe treasure each moment a little bit more, but there is another way of accomplishing that without having to live each day as if it is your last..

And that is to live each day as if it is your first.. with child like wonder and awe and inspiration and with hope and intrigue and excitment and delight at each new lesson.

3rd pet peeve:
Run away from bullies, narcissists, toxic people. They are monsters.   Maybe but eve monsters need love and compassion.  Compassion around them will keep you mentally and emotionally safe.  Okay sre if they are physically violent then keep your physical distance but don't make yourself unavailable.
Recognize that these people are all desperately hurting souls in deepneed of compassion for their pain. 
It's possible to be around them without getting harmed or hurt yourself and thata is through acceptance and compassion and amusement.
If you don't know how to do this, then practice those skills on yourself or someone you find less scary and work your way up to the most challenging folks.

4th pet peeve: folks who dont listen to their kids.. that includes myself when I am unable to do that because I am in too much pain myself but it's irks me when folks don't listen to kids opinions or dismiss there views as a matter of principle

5th pet peeve: saying that you should ween a kid off of breastfeeding on some culturally accepted timeline. Hell NO.
When should you stop breastfeeding - when the kid says they are ready!!  
("Says"..yes.. ie , old enough to communicate with you that they don't need you for that part of their life anymore)

6th pet peeve - when people tell you to relax for you when really it is bc they don't know how to handle strong emotions... Hell baby, don't relax if you aren't ready to.. relax when you are goddam ready and  when you feel safe to do so!!!

7th pet peeve - when people tell others to stop playing the victim or being the victim or to get out of the victim mindset..

Excuse me, but they ARE victims.  Everyone is a victim of life.  Life happens outside of everyones control.  Life is not in your control.

People are not in your control. 

You canNOT take responsibility for life or others people's actions.  you ARE the fucking victim there..

But now that you have been victimized and have been out in a situation where you are utterly helpless and hopeless and can't do anything to get out of it, fucking recognize your how helpless you are and recognize the beauty of your existence.

You might feel like it all sucks at that moment and yes it does.. embrace that suckiness and see how it's awffullness isome o profound and amazing!

Revel in the suckiness!   Hate the suckiness.  Appreciate the ugliness the awffullness the overwhelming suckiness.

Embrace it!!! 

Become aware of the opportunity it gives you.

Celebrate your victimhood and wear it proudly -. Bc you are fucking surviving it somehow!!!

Yep, these ideas may have offended you and you may have massively disagreed with them. Sigh oh well.  I acknowledge your offense and disagreement.

I am not changing for you.

But maybe some of you will recognize the truth inside some of the statements and beliefs.  And to those that do, a humble appreciation for your being willing to think outside the norm and for recognizing an opposing viewpoint to the standard norm.

I hope you will connect to us through our Facebook channels and our YouTube channels

And will find a way to help support us in our dreams and goals.

Thank you.

#controversial thoughts

Wednesday, October 26, 2022

profile on dating app

Profile Updated:  Angel for a Garden
46 • Female • Houston, Texas, United States

Looking for friend of the family, saving a Garden

Children1, EducationSome College
Non Smoker, Body Type: Slim
Height 5'2", RelationshipDivorced

Wishing I could find a find a platonic arrangement with you visiting me at my home, 

but would you be able to get my family a three person etrike to be able to move my elderly mom around the city independently without my having to have a drivers license? It is 6K.

Or this particular small mini aircrete machine that would allow my son and I to build the building and vertical garden structures we want to create?

I would be okay if it was just a loan and not a gift, but Would you let us borrow and then let me refund the help in a platonic way??

that request seems an impossibility these days as men seem only willing to help women who are willing to be nonplatonic?..

In an ideal world, I would feel safe enough to give you that part of myself but I am saving that big of myself for the person willing to co-own our family's estate and make sure our dream for it is protected.

Looking for a co-owner for our home until our estate one day could earn its way back from you decades and decades and maybe even centuries from now by renting out a room, selling edible plants grown on site, and by converting the grounds into an urban regenerative food forest oasis event space with a biophilic feel to it which could then be rented out by artists, yoga or other body instructors, authors, or others.

It will take awhile bc we would have to give back about five hundred of those 'K's and that will probably take a couple of lifetimes to get back to you?


But here is the real kicker-- that will certainly make you lose interest if you haven't already..::

You would need to be okay with our using technology to have a 'synthetic memory' -- as we now know in life how fragile human memory minds can be and how much human perspective hampers actual memory.

Would you be willing to aid in our learning how to incorporate a symbiosis with technology to do this.

I am quite well aware of how strange and odd , etc etc that we may seem to others.

If you want ordinary, normal, sane... Lol.. We wish you well on your journey.

If you think you can handle odd, eclectic, weird, strange, unusual, maybe we might have a chance.

My family(grandma & offspring) and I take some massive getting used to.

And it takes an incredibly open-minded, non judgemental, lover of strange and unique, accepting, tolerant and extremely patient and amused soul to handle our entities.

We are not for the narrow minded or limited being..


If you share your photo please allow me at least 24 hours before I who have a chance to see it.
I meed very very very very patient people bc I do things very very very very slowly....

Also you should know, i will be staying celibate until such time that i feel our estate is safe and protected .
i will not be engaging in that world of activity until I know that our vision for it will continue even if anything happens to myself or my grandma.

Please also only ask for my private photo only if you have provided me yours first


Only if you are ok with the fact that chances are 98 to 99 % likely that I am most likely only willing to be platonically involved with you as it takes years & years of friendship to my family and I, (along with my family really encouraging me to be with you) before i would be willing to consider someone as something more then a friend.

In meantime, I am grateful to those who allow me to be celibate in the meantime bc that is a freedom I know is very very rare.

May we each find a way to practice compassion, empathetic active listening both to folks and world around us and to ourselves.

May we learn to live on symbiotic harmony with one another , ourselves, and the earth we live on.

people care, earth care, future care.

Living in symbiotic harmony in a biophilic way.

Rejuvenating the soil and earth and our connections as beings all around us and inside of us.

Upon reading this , may you do a nice longggggg. stretch ----- lengthening spinal cord and opening up to all the beauty in the universe.


Much love

- the garden angel

Blessed be our mind-body connection to each other , ourselves and the world around us.

Much patience & compassion be with you, please.

Humble gratitude.

Thank you.


I need very very very very patient people bc I do things very very very very slowly....

Also you should know, i will be staying celibate until such time that i feel our estate is safe and protected .
i will not be engaging in that world of activity until I know that our vision for it will continue even if anything happens to myself or my grandma.

Please also only ask for my private photo only if you have provided me yours first


Only if you are ok with the fact that chances are 98 to 99 % likely that I am most likely only willing to be platonically involved with you as it takes years & years of friendship to my family and I, (along with my family really encouraging me to be with you) before i would be willing to consider someone as something more then a friend.

In meantime, I am grateful to those who allow me to be celibate in the meantime bc that is a freedom I know is very very rare.

May we each find a way to practice compassion, empathetic active listening both to folks and world around us and to ourselves.

May we learn to live on symbiotic harmony with one another , ourselves, and the earth we live on.

people care, earth care, future care.

Living in symbiotic harmony in a biophilic way.

Rejuvenating the soil and earth and our connections as beings all around us and inside of us.

Upon reading this , may you do a nice longggggg. stretch ----- lengthening spinal cord and opening up to all the beauty in the universe.


Much love

- the garden angel

Blessed be our mind-body connection to each other , ourselves and the world around us.

Much patience & compassion be with you, please.

Humble gratitude.

Thank you.

Saturday, October 15, 2022

yes I am selfish, are you?

Open letter to all those who want to be romantically involved with me

Would your being romantically involved with me help me with my dreams? What I value and care about deeply? What I live for? What I breath for?

Would your being romantically in bed with me help me to achieve what I want to achieve in this world??

What about the basics below:

Would it provide for my family?

Would it pay for all the medical bills?

Would it keep my family fed? Sheltered? 

Would it provide for this stuff even if you passed away or lost interest? Keeping us safe even after you were gone?  

But going back to what mattered to me..

Would it provide my family the resources it needed to go after our own dreams of what mattered to us?

Or only what mattered to you?

Do you honestly believe that just being with you should be enough to keep me happy and content and that that should be the only thing that mattered to me?

I understand you feeling that way.

I did actually once almost feel that way about my ex.

I often do feel that way about my family.

But people die. Or leave.

If we only lived for another human then when that human was gone what would be left of us 

So we each have to live for something greater then any of us...a dream, a goal, bigger then ourselves.

Some people live for a god. Or an ideal.
Or for a vision.  

I have a vision that involves the home I love.

Can YOU make that happen?

If you really loved me and cared about me, shouldn't you be caring more about helping me make that happen then whether I am with you or not?

Friday, June 17, 2022

latest summer profile 2022


Angel for a Garden

46 • Female • Houston, Texas, United States

Looking for friend of the family, saving a garden

Add New Photo

Display wishlist on my profile

  • Angel for a Garden's Info

    Looking For
    White / Caucasian
    Some College
    Non Smoker
    Body Type
    Occupation Industry
    Social Drinker

    About Me

    I know i dont qualify but i hope what i write below will help you with the future woman of your dreams. 

     Gentleman, if you want a women to care about you, find out what she cares about and make it possible for her to have that and then in gratitude she will automatically feel a caring back for you.

     If this doesnt happen, id like to know why.

     The key is not just get her any small gift that makes you happy (i see men doing this a lot with women) but to find the gift that she believes will help her to succeed at her goal and get her that.

     It requires active listening. I imagine men need something similar (in terms of the active listening part?) 

     For example what would help us with our goal would be this five thousand doller etrike (I can't drive so I would need an etrike to be able to move my elderly mom around the city independently) 

     Or this two thousand dollar aircrete machine that would allow us to build the building we want to create.

      For me personally though I am just looking for someone willing to lend us a hand and then let us refund the help in a platonic way.

    Ie. Paying them back either $10/month or via platonic bodymind mistebing sessions until all paid off.

     But that request seems an impossibility these days bc noone seem interested unless the other person is willing to do nonplatonic things only. 

     Maybe one day I will feel safe enough to give that part of myself but right now I wont until ive made sure our family's estate is protected. 😕

     It is amazing how hard it is to just Find a simple friends to our family. 

     Who will encourage me to record the world around us & who will help us with my garden goals & who has the ability to help out if they actually wanted to.....(the last part being the hardest, I suppose) 

     Which i suppose is why i am on here.

     Right now i just need friends to help me have hope but it would be nice to know one of those friends could help if they were willing to

     we are also Looking for a co-owner for our home until our estate one day could earn its way back from you decades and decades and maybe even centuries from now by renting out a room. 

    It will take awhile bc we would have to give back about five hundred of those 'K's and that will probably take a couple of lifetimes to get back to you? Sigh. 

     We ask for you to be okay with our using technology to have a 'synthetic memory' -- as we now know in life how fragile human memory minds can be and how much human perspective hampers actual memory. be willing to aid in our learning how to incorporate a symbiosis with technology.

      I am quite well aware of how strange and odd , etc etc that we may seem to others.

     If you want ordinary, normal, sane... Lol.. We wish you well on your journey.

     If you think you can handle odd, eclectic, weird, strange, unusual, maybe we might have a chance. 

     We take some getting used to. 

     And it takes an incredibly open-minded, non judgemental, lover of strange and unique, accepting, tolerant and extremely patient and amused soul to handle our entities. 

     We are not for the narrow minded or limited being...


    Please only message me ONLY IF you are ok with PLATONIC friendship first for awhile

     Bc i will be staying celibate until such time that i feel our estate is safe and protected as i will not be engaging in that world of activity until I know that our vision will continue even if anything happens to myself or my grandma. 

     Please also only ask for my private photo only if you have provided me yours first 

     AND Only if you are ok with the fact that chances are 98 to 99 % likely that I am most likely only willing to be platonically involved with you - ...

     it takes years of friendship to my family and I, along with my family really encouraging me to be with someone before i would be wiling to consider someone as something more then a friend.

     In meantime, I am grateful to those who allow me to be celibate bc that is a freedom I know is very very rare.

    For those who upon reading this, think they might be interested in getting to know us:

    Sigh up on all six of our Facebook pages

    Or follow along on our gardening journey

    Saturday, January 22, 2022

    sessions i can offer

    Want some company to watch a YouTube video that teaches about posture

    Want to practice distinguishing needs vs wants vs feelings

    Feeling angry or rage, water re garden with a release of your tears & fears

    751am Jan 22 2022

    creating a memory is pointless if you are not able to access the memory again later

    In a world of information overload,we need better filing systems and data labeling and data accessing & retrieval systems if what was already looked at

    Friday, December 24, 2021

    you don't actually want to get to know anyone

    You don't actually want to meet anyone
    To have to met them 
    And then mourn their loss
    Easier not to have ever met them in the first place

    324am dec24,2021

    That being said, I am ever so grateful to have gotten meet my son.

    In my world, he is one of the greatest miracles life has ever put before me.
    And I feel blessed for his existence in the world.

    Thank you life , universe, God, what ever it was that made it possible for his existence in the world.

    The world is a tolerable place bc of his existence.

    Thursday, December 23, 2021

    yoy don't have to be nice

    You also don't have to be rude
    You can be honest about your fears concerns and needs without being hurtful

    Friday, November 26, 2021

    apologies for being different

    In reaponse to someone who asked if i was ok when input up an ad for garden help on a per hour basis rather than a per job basis and then offered too little ($10/hr)

    When they asked if I was ok,

    Below was my thought response:

    are you asking if i have gone bonkers bc i was offering so little per hour?

     Or bc I am asking for before/after photos?

    Or because of my stream of conscious writing?

    Or because my overall personality bothered you a little bit?

    If it is the first reason, I am just lacking awareness.
    If the second, it is for liability purposes.
    If the third/fourth, then yep, i can be considered a bit 'bonkers', 'odd', 'ridiculous', 'crazy', ' insane', just plain 'weird' or whatever word you choose.  

    I am quite aware that very few people have much or any appreciation for my very odd ways; 

    and that my odd ways very much leave a lot of people annoyed or uncomfortable or amused. (Preferably amused)

    My humble apologies if how I am , or who i am, or if how i speak,  or if how I think, or how I am,  in any form or way bothered or annoyed you in any form at all.

    I am how i am.

     I can only hope and pray that it at least amuses you.  

    That is better then leaving you uncomfortable..

    Sending my humbleness and apologies.  

    I ask for you to be patient and tolerant and accepting of me and others like me.

    Preferable just amused.

    Much much apologies.


    Tuesday, November 23, 2021

    if only you could feel my mind

    Often When I lay in bed unable to move for whatever reason(different each time) with my eyes hurting too much to open
    Basically paralyzed for all practical purposes but my mind still active
    I wonder if there is anything I could do that would still allow me to earn an income.
    If I could be telepathic and interact with you inside my mind where my body didn't have to be included, then I could spend all day & night working doing what I could to help you.

    If it was enough that all I had to do was think of you and that would bring in an income, 
    Where u don't have to include my body.

    Just my mind.

    I would be greatful.

    Laying still wishing my thinking of you was enough to earn me an income.

    Tuesday, October 26, 2021

    why do you feel alone?

    I have been pondering how odd a question that is.
    Why do we feel alone?  I mean for most of us, it is not like we are on an island in the middle of some ocean completely seperated from people or on a mountain or piece of land 1000s of miles away from the next human being? 
    So why do we have neighbors and so many ways to theoretically connect with online?

    Is it because we fear judgement?
    Bc we fear how their judgement can harm us.
    Just knowing how their judgement can harm us is scary enough to become completely isolated.  Oh and if anyone believes that another persons judgement cannot harm you, then um, well, all i can say is you must not care very much about your freedom.

    If a person judges you to be crazy or unfit, they can have you locked away.
    In our current culture, People are constantly being out away in jails, in insane asylums, into isolation camps.
    If a person judges you as unequal, they can violate your rights and freedoms and even your boundaries without a blink of an eye.
    From physical rape to emotional and psychological rape.  From the old world of accepted slavery to the hidden slave/sex trade and kidnappings that secretly still go on even today.

    Hell, think of some of the corporations out there.  That keep employees in almost worst conditions then slaves were once put into.  Oh sure you think we'll those people can just leave when they want to.  That it is just a self imposed slavery..  But the conditions wouldnt be the way they were if people in power who judged didnt judge it to be okay and place such low judgement on the value of your worth as a human being.

    Judgements harm are society and peace and wellbeing non-stop in our world.  You may not care what people think of you, but that doesn't mean you wont still be affected, even if it is indirectly.

    Even if it is just with the feeling of isolation.

    Ok, lets put judgements aside.  Maybe we feel alone just simply bc we feel like we are not being able to relate.  

    Or feel like we cannot relate?

    Yet, believe it or not, we can.  With each and every person there are these ever so small bridges and points where our views actually do connect, albeit it is hard to find it sometime.  But with communication and listening we can find and build those bridges.

    Maybe we feel alone bc Is it because other people bore us?  But why? Bc they care about things we do not care about? Again, not relating?

    But why dont we relate?


    Sigh, I think for me, personally, the times I feel lonely most, is when I am feeling unsafe.

    When I feel 'poor' and unsafe bc i know that there are people who can and want to take my home and my family's land away from us.

    And that unless I find a way to save it inthe the next two years, that they will attempt to do just that.

    But I want whoever helps us to save it from these people will make it so that noone can ever take it away from us again, not even themselves.

    I want to feel safe knowing that this land will stay available for my son and I to accomplish our dream and vision on it.

    I open myself to the universe to allow this feeling of safety to happen!


    Monday, September 27, 2021

    trials of interacting with a person with dimensia

    I dont want to hate. I dont want to resent.
    Why shouldd I feel annoyed or resentful.. She doesnt even rememeber why we were agueing or what started the argument.  

    She is just argueing now just to argue bc she doesnt even know why we are argueing, just that we are argueing --- so no matter what I say, she will see it as something she must argue against even if was meant to reassure her

    But she believes everything we are saying is automatically  wrong or false or a lie or wrong and that only she is right --
    only she cant even remember what she thought was wrong.

    So i am I just going to be quiet and write.. Bc in five minutes she won't even rmemeber why  i was in here in the first place.

    She sees that i am writing so she waits but in the meantime she has gotten distracted by a piece of ice.


    The argument will continue later when she remembers for a moment,  but right now she has forgotten.

    The hard part is knowing that i will never get or rarely will i ever get my needs met to be heard or understood.. And even if she does for one brief moment, it wont really matter bc two minutes later she wont remember that she had.

    She is stuck frozen only in the moment. She frets about a future, she makes up a past. But she is still stuck in the moment.

    Thursday, April 8, 2021

    Getting through the inner screams into a state of calm

    I wish it was always a positive narrative.

    But Some moments like this very moment i was originally writing this next part,

    Thise momentz Where i have concentrate hard to try to will my being back into a state of calmness even even though every ounce of the hurting parts of me wants to scream and scream until i habe no more scream left in me, even though it feels like there is an infinite supply of the scream inside of me...

    Memory loss in itself is not a problem..   but when the person with the memory loss believes they can never do any wrong and the other person is always at fault and can never possibly be right.. 

    when the person with the memory loss accuses the person with the memory of lying  bc they cannot remember (or have made up memories to replace the ones that do not exist).. 


    Of not understanding bc the person with memory problems has a different understanding based on a much more narrower set of facts, usualy often completely erroneous facts bc they have no memory of what actually happened and couldnt possibly have done what the people with memory claim to have happened.

    To be told over and over again that my own memories (even though they are backed up by video and audio recordings just to be sure) are wromg over over again, sometimes i even start to doubt myself.. ie why i record EVERYthing now. So i have can proof of my own brain and what it knows or doesnt know.

    Thank goodness kiddo is around or i dont think i would have made ir through without ending up in an insane asylum..

    Bc around about at this moment i was writing kiddo comes in to the bedroom where i am hiding in bed wrting this and asks to find out first hand what actually happened and sees that i am about to burst into tears and he reaches out and holds me while i release into tears
    And he keeps holding me until the silent screams and tears have completely emptied and flowed themselves out and  long after the shuddering has subsided and when he realizes i am finally able to speak he asks me simple yes no questions until i am able to dialogue and explain more fully.

    And some how my center is slowly regained..

    Although i suspect my blood chemistry is still off kilter so he gets me some nigella seeds and chamomile tea to help my blood chemistry to get back to a state of more calmness. 

    And maybe writing here will also help?

    I wonder, does my sharing my writing ever help anyone else?


    Friday, March 19, 2021


     i enjoy the feeling of connection...

    having my own mind be heard and understood and appreciated.

    being able to hear other people's minds and getting to understand and appreciate them.

    okay, that's only true half the time.. there are exceptions from time to time when I have things i want to get done which need my energy or concentration. --- Which depending on the topic of a conversation,  I can be kind of wiped afterwards and then have to have time to recenter and reboot before i can even attempt to get anything done again.

      Esp when you are caring with someone with a touch of dimensia..  one get's to know the basics of their  brains pretty dam fast,  esp when their limited number of stories start to go on repeat but it's still always the first time for them... ..  kiddo and I still listen in and make a digital memory of it all for prosperity.. because sometimes, on the sweetest of occasions, we get to hear a bit of history we didn't yet know about.  those are treasured moments.  and then also super aggravating when the tech doesn't work and the story gets lost bc the chances of them repeating one of those rarer story gems, are well, not high.. 

       though these days, sometimes it seems like some stories are getting combined in interesting ways... which actually makes it more fascinating for us though.. or when we can get them to tell us their history in their native tongue. then we could listen for hours quite delightfully.  :D    

    Saturday, February 6, 2021

    the misunderstood pack rat part 1

    I once watched a video on understanding packrats, and it tasked about how they loved trash bc they had once credit like they were trash or like they had been treated like trash or has been thrown away like trash
    And I really wondered if  that did actually apply to me
    Bc my own ex after 20 years of acceptance one day stopped accepting me and loathed and feared the idea of helping me to feel any sort of happiness or quote "doing anything to enable me" to help be in this world & still appear halfway functional.
    I had OCD & anxiety all my life, but one day he decided he decided I was "diseased" and unless I changed instantly he was going to leave me.  
    Six months to organize the house was too long..
    But the truth was he wanted to leave & go to another state anyways & he knew I didn't want to so he needed a way to for his mind to find it acceptable
    And so he created a bunch of lies to tell himself mixed in with the truths so he accept his decision.
    I do actually empathize & understand where he was coming from. He had been fired from his other job and he was feeling out of control and feeling helpless & confused and he just wanted to be able to control his environment and have some semblance of control of the people inside it.. And well kiddo and I made that extremely difficult..
    Esp bc he had super poor communication. and kiddo and I were the kind of people who didn't tend to take demand very well and didn't tend to accept direction unless we understood the why and didn't tend to be the best mindreaders in the world esp when we were feeling mentally, emotionall, and psychologicay attacked and even physically unsafe at the time.
    Now don't get me wrong .. On a normal day that man w as an amazing family man more accepting and tolerant then most.. But his mind was just going through a massive self torture & upheaval at the time bc his identity and life revolved around his ability to work and be the best at his work and be needed and here he was having his whole world turned upside down. 
    His solution was to get rid of the old life and start anew.
    Leaving everything behind except his most valued musical instruments & some "essential clothing".. Only that which was most dear to him and which he couldn't bear to be parted with.
    But what really bothered kiddo was how he had labeled us, most esp how he had 
    treated me on his way out.
    Like a biohazard waste .  kind of like how I imagine lepers were treated.

    But even before that point, I had started an appreciation of that which others would have thrown out but which was still useful.
    It was torture watching friends and acquaintances getting divorced left and right bc they thought their spouses were incompetent and they wanted the a newer better model.

    And people's disregard for what was broken but still useable appalled me.

    I will have to keep writing more later. I am tired now.
    1010am Saturday Feb 1 2021

    But before I go, I just wanted to add in how even though I loved the trash I also had a deep need for organization & truth be told a certain amount of neatness with everything having Its place.   And the other way I could handle any sort of change to where things were to where their new location was by using photography and videoing of amything to document the before middle and after.
    This was probably what bothered my ex the most bc this part waa tedious and not time efficient.
    I do not know if this true for all packrat but something I could not handle was anything happening too fast.
    Quick sudden rushed pressure -- impatience of any kind 

    My bet is that if you understand that most about packrat, that us probably what will help you the most.
    An offer to help clean will usually be taken as a threat bc they know you will want to clean faster then they are comfortable with.
    So never never offer to help clean
    Or maybe you could look at it as 
    Never threaten to clean bc that is how it will be perceived as. -- a threat.

    You can offer to help be their hands and feet in any task they want done ( do you hear the difference in wording?) 

    but not to try to do it your own way or to take over.l (that would be perceived as a threat)

    In the end, its a control issue.
    And also an acceptance & appreciation issue.
    An allowing a person to celebrate who & how they are and appreciating their own order and appreciation and need to feel in control of their own environment.

    I Hope this helps some?

    This post will probably get changed and reddited over time.

    I fear posting blogs about this bc I had a tremendous fear of my ex wanting to hurt us more bc I fear his blaming me for his pain and hurt and his desire to want us to hurt bc of his pain.
    I want him to feel compassion for himself and for us.

    I want you to feel compassion for your fellow human being.

    I want to feel acceptance and tolwrance

    And allowance

    For your fellow beings & for all lifeforms.
    All beings.

    All entities 

    All forms of conciousness.


    Tuesday, September 15, 2020

    It is IMPOSSIBLE to be born alone.

    Even if there is no God,, it is literally impossible to be born alone!!!

    And whowver says that you are born alone either is just blindly quoting some inaccurate stupid quote, is completely ignorant to the prescense of the mothers energy, or completely unaware and unappreciative of the mothers prescense..

    And in todays world, for many people, thwre is also rhe company of all the doctors and nurses and people nearby awaiting eagerly the birth.

    So one doesnt have to die alone either!!!

    And if you are a spiritual person or religious person in any sense of the word, it is even more offensive and unappreciative to believe that anyone could possibly ever be alone at ANY point in their life,whether its at the beginning, middle, or end.

    Bc you ALWAYS have company with you.  Your own higher self of nothing else.

    No single person has only one personality.   If they did, it means they never had any thoughts ..

    And even if you dont believe in god or psychology, there is the fact that your body is NOT only made of your own dna but also the millions of dna of all the million of microbiota that make up anpart of your body in your intensitines, on your skin, in your mouth, in your body. 

    If you count microbiota, Your body alone is actually composed of millions of other life forms other then your own.
    Your body is a whoe ecosystem of life.

    Therefore your DNA, your core self is NEVER alone.  You always have rhe company of all the many parts of your ego, your microbiota with its own essenses along with all the energies that have ever crossed paths with you mjxed up and combined with your own energy!!

    In fact, spiritually AND physically, it is IMpossible to actually ever feel lonely if you have any sense of awareness whatsoever!

    Ok so maybe you might be missing rhe physical touch of another human being or mammal from time to time in your life.  If so, start volunteering!!!

    But never never say people are born alone bc that is the biggest lie/myth/falsehood ever created by some ignorant unaware slefish,  selfish unappreciative being!!!

    You are never alone..

    We are all connected!!!

    Just your even have read this just connected us..  or even if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who read this, we are still connected by these words.

    Look for the ways you are connected..
    If you live on rhe same planet, connect
    by this earth, if you are human, by our human dna.  I challenge you to come up with at least ten different ways you are connected to at least ten different people!!

    And then when you are done i challenge you to find ten different families(or nonprofits if you hate people) in need of financial support or encouragement and give each of them a dollar each month.

    Need help finding people.
    Go to to find us

    Or find another person on Patreon.
    Or Gofundme

    If you are on facebook,

    make sure you are subscribed to


    Written Sept 15,2020 945am on my old barely working but still ticking samsung s111

    Sunday, July 5, 2020

    You have won the lottery. What is the first thing you are going to do?

    I realized the other day that for us the VERY first thing is GET SOME DECENT RECORDING EQUIPMENT! !!
    Before doing anything else,  we really wants some special phones that have wil jave the abolity to go 12 hours while on videoing WITHOUT overheating, with the battery still working after 2 hrs being on, with enough storage space to keep it all until we get somewhere where it can all get uploaded and where it is EASILY uploaded up to the cloud.

    Do such phones exist? Will you get us three no make that four of them?

    Also a bunch of motion sensor camera for the front yard as well.
    Why not the back yard.bc we want to be able to walk around in our back yard however we are without being "on camera".. even though we take five billion photos of everything our eyes see, we dont always want to be ON camera ourselves.

    Oh i supose i wouldnt have a problem with it --  if our society didnt , but our world is not ok with people  "in the raw".

    Why cameras?

    Bc what we have learned after working with so many people with memory problems and with just life itself -- is that if life isnt recorded in SOME form or another whether its a photpgrpah,  a painting (think cabe aer i mean cave art), carvings, (think rosetta stone and cuniform) think fossils, think soul samples showing the history of geology or archeology. . Then if it wasnt recorded, ir might as well never have happened.  People need proof. 
    True what we record might all still get lost like the ten years worth of journals my mom accidentally destoryed by leaving my voc out in the rain out accidentaly one year many years ago.
    Or if an emp happens or if somethibg wipes  it all out.
    I do get how fragile life is.
    But by making the effort, at least there is a chance something of that moment will get to be trrasured by another.
    My ex ddint let us have access to the first ten years of photos and records  of my sons life and he much to my sadness iwonder if he kept any of it :/
    And it breaks my heart that he erased any of it
    BUT we do have one small video of kiddo when he was three and i treasure that video. That moment and wish we had capturedso many kore to share with the world.

    Sigh bc his life..his conversations thos early years was worrh sharing with you.

    Alas i dont know if we will ever be able to.

    But maybe if we have the recorders on now.. even though we dont do much now worth sharing.. thwre might come a moment and itd be nice to have it ready.. bc we so enjoy sharing our thoughts and the beauty we see in the world with you.

    The very next thing to do is make sure a trust get started to make sure our property can be saved and put into a trusr so we can make our dream for the property a reality.

    Somewhere in there we make sure to make a faraday cage to protect the electronics that help us to function

    and make sure we have the solar powered freezer/fridge/dehrdratpr/cooker/ for ourselves and our friends.

    A solar powered cooler for the house.
    A foot pedaled wasging machine would be nice as well.

    Making sure we have at least a years sypply of toiletries, soaps, basic survava equiomemts that being withoit money and covid has taught us to how umpirtant to have just around the house is.

    Get berries and fruit trees planted and greenhouse set up for exotic tropicals and food available for us and nwarby neighbors.

    Once we are syre our famiky and friends are functional and secure shoukd anything worse happen

    For example, make sure we get food forest with rabbits and chickens established.  And mini homes and storage set up.

    Only THEN start paying off all our debts.

    After debts are paid off.

    Then set up funds so that taxes always get paid.

    After that is all set up start paying off familys debts where they owe us instead but at a a MUCH lower almost non existent interest rate.

    Then if anything leftover after all that then start investing an alll othe other ideas we want to invest in. :) and 1 are many of those jdeas. :)

    531am july 4/5 2020

    Will you tell me a little bit about you?

    Id like to know a little bit more about you if i may.
    Have you ever read marshalls book on nonviolent compassionate  communication?
    Would you be willing to learn about cnvc?
    Would you be willing to eat our strange cooking?
    Would you be okay with having your life recorded?
    Would you be willing to be okay with silence?
    Would you be okay with. ..virtual
    You know what.. 
    I am too scared to connect. Never mind.
    I am too scared.

    Tuesday, June 16, 2020

    i am a fountain of love, but that doesn't mean i want to be with you...

    hi. this letter is to you.. i love you, btw. whoever you are.. whoever you may be.. whoever you are.. i know that you are me.. and that I am you. or something like that. i highly recommend watching the ONE video by kuzegerat.. Kiddo showed it to me and it surmised that concept pretty well. Here is a link to it. anyways.( by the way, ,i will say that word a LOT. get over it. or don't bother reading this book if you have a problem with it. I have a problem with it. but i want to write to you. and i use that word a lot. did you hear me say that I love you. yeah. i do. i don't know who you are that is reading this but i know you, at your core.. and I know that I love you. whether you are a hurting psychopath, an angry empath, just a bored passerby, a judgentmal mean person, or someone kind or loving and caring .. all of you.. i love you. but what does that mean... I suppose i should be worried what that might mean to you.. to me it's just a feeling.. passing through my essense of being from the universe out to you.. does it mean that i want to be with you? NO. In fact, I can honestly say, I think it's okay if we dont' ever meet.. if I don't ever hear back from you. well wait a minute.. what if you are some one that I am supposed to meet? or who would have helped me make my dreams come true. hmm, yes. but what if you are some scary stalker... what if you are someone who enjoys hurting people? who wants to hurt people.. what if you hurt people without even knowing that you do it. i am told that narcissists do that. have often wondered if I am a narcisst. when i ask that though i get informed if I have to ask then I probably am not. but i do know i am dam selfish. i do know i am a massive micro manager. I do know I want things a certain way. and don't do well when people don't let me have it that way.. its part of the big reason why i don't want to be with anyone other then my family. my family who accept me or who okay don't always accept me, but tolerate me someitmes.. and put up with me bc i am family and who can't just throw me away.when they are done with me or when I don't say or do or act or behave in a way that is wanted.or wished for. or maybe they try to, but at the end of the day.. biologically we still share the same dna. but wait a minute..its EASY to disown biological family. people do it everyday.. that doesn't seem to actually mean shit. sohmm i don't know. but despite it all. i love you... so get over it. what does that even mean?? okay i love you. i don't know what that means. i don't like you. idon't want to be with you. i probably don't even respect you. but i love you. okay. got it? yes got it. good. bye. i want to be special. i want to be important to you. i want you to care about my wellbeing and my needs. i want you to want to help me financially to make my dreams come true.. do you have a problem with that. so many people have a problem with that concept. so many people.. its ridiculous. the coldness. the "you go do it on your own" concept shutting people out i don't want to help you in that way philosophy. i dont' want you dependent on me or anyone else philosophy. whatever happened to the concept of takign care of women. oh right came at a price. a price women dont want to pay. yep.. none of us want ot pay the price. we all just want to be able to make money just by being alive .. existing just by being us. it really doesn't sound that unreasonable a request. actually if you think about it.. artists do just that.. they are themselves just doing what they do and love. thats what i want to do.. doing what i love to do.. and to just be.. and have whatever it is that i do be useful to you. somehow.. and loved and treasured and wanted and appreciated by you! dam it. dam it to all hell and heaven and back

    Monday, April 27, 2020

    The fragility of our lives

    this morning considering i had shot up awake from a horrible nightmare which left me in a state of massive anxiety the rest of the morning about the future of my moms health bc her health is the only thing protectng the properties and my dreams right now bc if anything haopens to her before i have my life together,  we are screwed.  My dreams would be screwed.

    All that i  want in life would no longer be possible unless somebody else stepped in to rescue my/our dreams. but i gotta admit,  frankly even though i am on a dating site,  I gotta be honest. 

    The idea of becoming intimate with anyone is very unnerving to me.

    Yes, I will be around whoever my family is around and i suppose that person one day has a chance with me, but i dont really want a life outside of my family and or my dream goal to save my familys property.

    All i want in life right now is just to prevent my familys homes from getting sold off and torn down. 

    All i want is just to be able to buy my sister out of her half of moms home and my ex out of his half of our home so i can put the homes into a trust that cant be touched by anyone so the homes and the stuff inside the homes can be salvaged as they are and so i can transform the gardens into the edible oasis of my dreams and have people be able to visit it and be inspired.

    That alls i want right now... to be able to save the properties for my son and grandchikdren so i can be able to live out my life being with my family and transforming those very particular gardens.

    But i am worried that i will be wasting your time if you are hoping for more from me.

    Though i desperately want people who will help me protect the homes from people who wanted to sell it off the day until either my son or i one day msde income of our own and could then just buy every one out, i also dont want to be accused of wasting anyone's precious time. 

    We do enjoy people who are willing to be freinds of the family but if you are imaging me being able to let down my shields enough to be like my old self, i am afraid it is going to be eons before i can do that even with close friends again.  

    The hope is that if i ever one day feel like my dreams are safe then maybe id relax enoigh to let the world in but i honestly dont know when if ever that will ever happen again.

    But would you be ok with a platonic business partnership or just a simple friendship?

    April 27 2020
    935am to 715pm

    Wednesday, April 15, 2020

    if I was a millionaire would I still try to connect to people

    Is like to think so, though instead of asking for patrons I would be the patron, I would be the one providing internships and jobs.
    id like to be the one who saves my family's properties and is the patron for other people.
    To save my mothers and grandmothers propsrty and transform the gardens into edible oazsi.  

    Dear lord, how do we make this happen?
    Where all I have to do is exist and be alive to make that to come true - where we save the properties, the items within the properties, provide mom some happiness and where kiddo and I can design and be to our hearts content? 

    Saturday, April 11, 2020

    Would you rather $10,000 or $1200?

    Wpuldnt you rather have $10,000 then $1,200????

    be mimdful of the kind of people you vote for!!

    If Bernie HAD been president in 2016, you just might have gotten $10,000 instead of $1200. 

    But at least he got you the $1200 amd he had to fight hard to get.l that bc there were people on the senate who didnt even want to give you that.  :/

    Give him more power by still gettimg more people to vote his name in still. His name is still on the ballots!!

    Originally poated 3/30 update april 11.

    Bernies name is still on ballot -- whixh is an opportunkty if you want to create a miracle

    At least he left his name on the a ballot.  amd there is an opportunity here that everyone is missing That is important.

    If he had not left his name on the ballot, THEN i would have been pissed off.

    Though i understood why he made it official at first i thought his timing sucked abiut when he chose to make it official.
    BUT Unofficially i guess half the world didnt notice he had already dropped out of the campaign part several weeks ago not too long after the corona virus hit.

      Not a single email from him asked for money for himself or his campaign and it was alll going only to charities. 

    Personally i thought that was a much better way to go because i had been pissed at him this time around asking for money instead of doing what he did last time which was aksing for networking and free advertising.

      I still think that would have been smarter way to go this time and i had felt like he had had  sucky campaign managers this time around for nott doing what had gotten me to fall in love with him last time.

      I had been so pissed off this time around that at first i was not going to speak up about him in his favor at all this time around until i had heard about the green new deal. 

    Only then did i decide to speak up more about that and him and then about medicare for all.

      But pojint was i liked how he had finally stoped unoffically campaigning for money and had started to let actions speak for.themselves. 

    i was disappointed he had made it officially but i totally get it from his perspective..

    it WAS interfering from what he was needing to do c he was having to soend too much time on rhe defensive instead of doing the offensive. Now he cam concentrate on the offensive. 

    IF the people really want him in they COULD pull off a miracle of keeping all the biden voters home bc convincing them not worth voting since biden "already won" and having only bernie voters go vote ( and voila if biden didnt get a single more vote and only bernies votes came in they would pull of their miracle stunt. 

    It IS certainly accomplishable...

    but the only way its going to happen is if the people MAKE it happen instead of wallowing and not reacognizing the opportunity they have available to do now.

    We now have an incredible opportunity folks.  Lets make it happen.

    Monday, April 6, 2020

    in response to being asked, 'who is to blame for the world the way it is now"

    even though I think I know where you are trying to go with that question, I still am startled of your choice of wording of "who" mostly bc I do find 'blame' questions kind of funny bc there are always so so so MANY more factors involved that often don't get taken into account in those kinds of questions of "who", .... but also because one cannnot blame any one single person for that. .............Bernie certainly wasn't responsible for people losing jobs, but, BUT, now that the corona virus triggered a chain reaction of events that has led to a job loss situation, a situation that ended up happen a lot earlier then it was supposed to happen (ie, you do know that this job loss situation IS going to be happening again on a much more massive scale though probably at a slower rate (i hope) bc of the advances of technology and AI systems taking over peoples jobs faster then new ones can get created), but anyways going back to my point, POINT is, now that it has happened, Bernie has been fighting pretty dam hard to fight the current broken system in order to TRY to make sure people don't completely starve during the crisis. ............ Not sure if you knew this, but he has not asked for a single dime for his campaign anymore and has asked the people following him that if they can help out, not to help him, but to help those, instead, those who got caught unawares and unprepared with holding over until they can get back on their feet. ..... He has even stopped working on his campaign (even though he is still running so that people can have a person to vote for that cares more about them being able to fend for themselves, rather then be dependent on corporations (or the gov longterm), and he now spends all his energy in trying to make sure that people do not starve now that everything has happened. .................. But even before this all happened, for decades, he has been fighting the system to try to help people to be able to have less to worry about so that they COULD try to become more independent and less dependent on the government! LONG TERM .......... Bernie was the only candidate pushing for more localized food co-ops,, instead of people being dependent on the corporate chain food stores! ...... and for farmers to practice more regenerative farming practices like we like to promote in Permaculture, so that the lands were better able to sustain communities, ........and most especially even more so, doing what he could and can to try to push for it being legal everywehre for people to be able to farm their own urban places (bc sadly, there are many cities where it isn't legal.) ........ It is what his Green New Deal is all about- of giving back power to the people - to be able to sustain themselves, especially in situations like this, so that they wouldn't have to be dependent on corporations OR the government, I would have thought you would have been supporting that since that also seems to be your goal of wanting people to be able to take care of themselves. ............. But, he is also aware that until before the mass numbers of people can learn to do all that, they need to be able to survive, esp, the next few months, and NOT starve to death in the meantime, that is why he has been fighting so hard against the current government, ..........that if the gov is going to set it up so that jobs get taken away, then in the meantime, at least provide a way for them to survive until they are able to legally work again. and then be able to provide for themselves again LONGTERM, ....... and to stop being dependent and at the mercy of corporations that go against the philosophy of people care, earth care ,OR future care. .........He, Bernie, is the closest candidate that has been advocating and trying to find ways for the independent entrepeneuneur to be able to succeed against those massive corporations LongTerm!.. ..........longterm wanting to make it easier for the individual people and independent entrepreneurs to be able to have a fighting change........ for the small mom and pop stores that DO still care about their local communities and will care more about people care, earth care and future care

    1147pm , not aug, not march,no now ti is april 6/7 2020

    Sunday, April 5, 2020

    Please please please read this article

    Update the article is a little dated now but you should still get as many people votinf for bernies name on the ballot amd convince all the biden lovers to stay hoke and not vote now.

    Friday, April 3, 2020

    What Age shoukd kids have cell phones at

    Kiddo has had his own cell phone from the beginning so we could fill it up with educational apps but it also didnt have a phone number attached to it until he was about 10 when we had to be apart more.

      If we had to be apart at an earlier age, i woupd have given him his own number even earlier on for safety reasons.

      BUT we always had a rule that he was no allowed to post on the internet or on the phone to anyone outside of us without showing us thr message first.

      One year when he was 11 or 12 i let up on that rule until I was furious to find one day that he had picked a rather rude fight with some rather mean people on one of the online games.  So he lost priveleges to that gane and once again i became hard core that he couldnt send any messages out unless preapproved.

      But slowly over time, i realized he had learned his lesson and that he was being mindful and most times i only glance long enough to tell its some technical jardin that is over my head anyways or just let him tell me with half an ear open to listen for any red flags. 

    Point is as long as you are checking, ANY age works.

      its better for them to learn early how to handle 'online' etiquette through you then learn the hard way as a teenager or as an adult.

    You can always put a limit on internet time or youtibe restrictions or even text restrictions and what numbers they can call or just not even give them a number at all. Whike still having access to educational apps.

    Just CHECK the phone daily or at least biweekly to make sure they havent hacked your system or loaded up inaprropriaye things.

    And if they did, instead of going balistic, Discuss with them WHY..

    use it to teach them the etiquette you want them to learn and follow

    In response to friend asking at what age should kids have access to cell phones.

    April 02 2020 not 2018 anymore.

    Monday, March 30, 2020

    An interesting conversations with someone on a dating site about "knowledge... "

    I thought id share part of an interesting convwrsation i had with someone on a  dating site that emcouraged arrangements.. not that i have ever foujd someone that i actually ever wanted to make an arrangememt with but it does remind me of how the humbleness of human nature so i stay on there as a reminder to be humble and ever so grateful for what we do have in our life.:

    I womt publish his profile but will let you know that he asked the reader to answer what two times four is at the end of his lengthy but interesting profile.


    Here was my response:

    The answer is 42 (just kidding, inside joke btween my son and I unless you have read 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe'

    To your particular question: eight (it would be kind of neat if you put a trick riddle on there, like "how much does a Lb of feathers weigh?" Or something fun like that. ;)

    Well lets see how to prove not a catfish? Send you to a silly video we made and put up on youtube? Hm, conversation over phone?

    I am a little bit disappointed you would not accept a platonic arrangement, even if the arrangement did not involve any money transactions at all unless you just became fond of someone over time.

    Knowledge is only half the battle.. implementing & remembering that knowledge in the heat lf the moment.. ahh now that takes practice i suppose?

    I am interested in some of your knowledge.. though more to compare notes and seeing another perspective as i imagine some areas we might disagree.. i am fairly passionate about my own particular views about agriculture and some other areas you listed.

    I dont know if i could get your needs met bc of the corona virus fesr of it affecting my mother and myself as i do not have health insurance, but id still be open to maybe finding some kind of connection if you were up for it.

    You seem interesting to me, lol. :D

    His response:

    Thank you for the detailed info, you seem interesting as well however

    a) knowledge is not free, this is why universities charge you with no employment guarantees and a shit load of other data that proves that its a scamm

    b) the above in reply to PLATONIC

    c) I dis agree re "knowledge is half the battle, its not, obviously if you have knowledge you have remembered what you have learned - unless you are suffering from a mental disorder causing you to have memory loss

    d) I m not interested in helping anyone your age, its like swimming against the current, your stuck in your ways and established habits

    This was my response back...( btw, id be curious to know you own take on the matter.  So encourage to put your own input in of who you agree or disagree with down below in the comments section below.)

    My response:

    A) if one is willimg to research and trade time for knowledge, there is a LOT of the same knowledge one gets from a university from books and online .. when kiddo was three and i needed a moment to myself, I used to sit him down in front of free online MIT physics lectures since at age three he was alreadys showing a high aptitude for science and he has already come across more historical knowledge then i ever came across in my 20 years of schooling. ... I even learned how to fix some of the plumbing in the house for free by willing to trade time and research. Yes it was a trade of time.. but i suppose it depends on how you define 'free'.. time itself is highly valuable...

    B) I am not saying i only want platonic longterm though i admit the whole virus has heightened my fears.. .. but before the corona virus, I did find i am far more likely to be attracted to someone when nature is allowed to just takes its course rather then when i think sexuality is a requirement -- just to get to find out if I might even be attracted.
    But just as i would want to be allowed to find out if chemistry developed on its own, I would offer the same back of not expecting an arrangement unless nature & chemistry eventually led us in that direction..

    C) so i wish what you said was true for all the people i have observed learning and relearning.. even the super geniuses i grew up, when it came to understanding people, so often i observed as I watched them 'learn about people', i realized as i watched them, that learning wven for their mensa minds, seems to be more like a vortex.. as i watched them 'forget' and the relearn but with increased understanding and insight each time aroumd, climbing in awareness and a deeper comprehension of the knowledge each time around.
    -- Just like learning to play the piano; Or take iceskating for example: Each time around a skater gets better but when they get tired they start to mess up more seeming like like they are forgetting what they have learmed but their mind just needed to need to rest but then when they start up again they learn quicker and faster.. same with learning a language.
    .... Btw. I have worked with a handful of people with true memory loss.. and its a bit different and scarier watching them truly forget all that they know. esp as one watches them go from through the decline over years. (Shudder down my spine.. remembering for them, but watching their existence of all of their life slowly disappear forever)

    D) i do know what you mean. aftwr 20 years of being discouraged from doing many basic tasks any normal functional adult should know , I am now a 40 something year old woman who is having to relearn how to drive and pay taxes and manage in the world just like how when I was 17 .. it basically feels like having to start over from the beginning, only this time having to overcome the fears and insecurities that have sneaked in over time and without the incredible bravado and hutzpah and naive confidence i once had and which i miss having .. and yes, i agree, it does feel like swimming against the current sometimes, often -- having to undo and break all those eatablished habits in order to reopen my mind so that i can get myswlf to believe again that anything is possible.. that anything can be ..
    .... at first it really was like having been thrown into a twilight zone story and thrown into an ice cold shark infested water after having beem shattered into a million tiny pieces.. slowly taking those pieces and creating a beaitiful new art piece like one does with kintsugi. All while trying to learn how to swim as well.

    but one benefit that has come from all the many profound experiences we have been having the last couple of years ... from one massive change to the next.. the ever increasing awareness of how the world is like an ameoba constantly changing shape and form...

    and how we think today willl most likely not be how we will be thinking next month let alone a year from now.

    The reason why i said knowledge is half the battle, btw, came from a quote my dad used to chant to me bavk when i first started having awareness of how my actions can affect others when i was a wee chikd first learning awareness of the world :: after watching anothwr child throw a tantrum and seeing how it affected everyone, suddenly awakened and realized that my own tantrums would be felt in a similar way as that other child. he had been so proud of me for finally having that awareness but he warned me in my childlike arrogance that having that awarenes was only half the battle.. And he was right.. just because i had knowledge of how my actions affected others, and then later learning skills to help center and ground myswlf and get to a compassionate empathetic state, it was only half the battle of learning.. the rest was learning how to apply alll that knowledge and actually putting it into practice ... knowing how to take a deep breath and look around and reach within for compassion doesnt do much good if I dont actually take a moment to actually practice taking that deep breath in, lol. And i am still learning the art of it. Sometimes failing miserably, other times mastering the art far superior to others.. but alway learning new insights and nuances and adapting..

    Conclusion, even though you would not be interested in helping me financially.. perhaps an interesting conmection might still be allowed to evolve between us in these changing times..

    That is, If you yourself are willimg to step outside of your own established ways and established 'habits' to explore with me both of us stepping outside of our normal way of life to hear other perspectives.. even if just but for a moment, lol.. ;)

    "554pm march 30 2020"


    The hidden oppprortunity bernie just gave us by not runming an active campaign anymore. You coukd make bernie win now if you wanted

    Originally i had posted this article back in march sometime

    BUT since he stopped campaigning i want to remind folks that this presents us with an amazing oportunity to still win by sneaking him in.

    1) convince the biden lovers not neceasary to vote
    2) remind bernie lovers to still vote

    IF ONLY bernie lovers voted now then bernie could still win!!!

    Scifi dream effects

    So all my life i refused to watch those violent halloween horror films but i realized after the nightmare i woke up with just now this morning of a group of timw travelors who could never get back tp thwor own time line and unkverse and kept flipping into these scary universes where alien bugs were falling from the ceiling or jumping onto ones face that all those sci fi films with small but lasts in your head thought provoking scenese left just as horrible scary images in my head. 
    From simple 'more innocent kid scifi shows like  like 'lost in space' or 'meninblack'to scifi thrillers like 'aliens', 'or one i acvidentay watched like 'sphere' of bw careful what you imagine bc it might become reality (thoigh even simple star trek had an episode like that), and the very few but horrifying lasting few episodes i accdentally watched of xfiles bc my ex loved it or twilight zone whixh my dad loved or other random shows i accidentally came across through other people..
    One of the most lasting ones being some silly time travel show i watched with my family where the only scene i rememver was where the kid trys to stop his parents from opening the microwave bc of aome object in it which left me with nightmares for years..

    It makes me wish i had never watched a single scifi movie ever growing up.

    And instead watched lovely little things like watching liziqi utube videos. Not that such a thing existed when i was growing up.

    But sadly i watched and filled my brain instead with way too many scifi shows and thrillers over the years.

    Amd it can make for some very um scifi like nightmares when I am stressed. 

    Now if i only i could make showcase my vivid sleep dreams and make some money off of them, lol.

    If you liked me sharuming this with you maybe you could send my family and i a gift of $12 in the gift form of $1/month through

    Thank you.

    516am wokeup 445 am march 29/30 2020