btw, if you do read this all the way through and appreciated my sharing of this conversation with you, will you please please subscribe and or follow along. Please also write in a "hello" at the bottom of this, so that I know that you actually heard what I had to say. I would appreciate it ever so much. I really do appreciate your connection. and hey, if you want to send a boost of encouragment to kiddo and I, we would be ever so honored if you could part with a $1 each month to send our way. Either on www.Patreon.com/KeE or via paypal at www.krineteagle.comm thank you...
okay here is essentailly the conversation I had with a few small edits and ommitance of names and genders so it could be applicable to you or anyone you know:
Me: "I know everyone is telling you good riddance etc etc, but the thing is all the ego aside, that spouse really does love you. Otherwise the spouse wouldn't have lost it like they did when the couldn't handle the intensity of their feelings of jealousy at your going elsewhere to get your needs met..
I know our culture will defend divorce to the death, i also know what i saw when i visited you and in the body language of the pictures. Your spouse without a doubt loves you deeply!
I need you to know that the standard divorce is NOT the only option. There are several options available which i have seen.
option #1: I have seen some families who practice NVC go ahead and do the divorce because they thought it was better legally for having an open relationship, but they let the spouse stay living at the home (or move back in if they had left for a little while) .. they are unmarried but they live together and co-parent. I have actually seen several families do this in an extremely healthy way but they also practiced a LOT of NVC.
>option #2 Some coupes do a version of the option #1, but eventually even made it back together as a married couple eventually but yes it did take several years.
">option #3 Another option is to not get a divorce for financial and legality reasons (ie, to ensure SS health care for the spouse after ten years, and medical for the whole family and also make it easer to pay joint taxxes), but still decide to have an open relationship
>Option #4) stay married again for legal and financial reasons, but actually live separated for years until the kids are fully grown and only after the last child is 18, only then get a divorce. This ensures the protection of the kids so that they do not have to deal with child custody.
I have been meeting LOTS of people who do some of these married but open relationships, and have been amazingly impressed by it. The spouse stays married to make sure financially that their family and their spouse gets the added benefits but they make sure its very clear that they get to have open relationships.
These situations are by far my favorite and what i wish my ex had done with us. Bc financially both short term and long term in terms of social security benefits its by far the best and medically speaking it is nearly perfect.
But it does take a slight change in understanding what a marriage is.. understanding it is merely a financial arrangement and pretty much nothing else..
.--- in some cases with benefits (like friends with benefits kind of thing or like an SD/SB arrangement(for those who happen to know what that is) but with very clear understanding that sexually they are by no means obligated..
and the arrangement is only until the children are 18.
In half the cases ive seen the guy lives with the family married only in a financial sense, but not bound sexually . the other half of the time, the guy lives not in same house but in walking distance, again married only on the financial sense but without the physical obligation "
> Acquaintance of Friend chips in a thought of: " Don’t back down. My ex and I hovered around divorced for 20 years longer than we should’ve. We are both much happier now 2 1/2 years post divorce " ((i have a lot of thoughts to counter what this guy wrote in about happiness and communication and etc, etc, but I will continue on with what I actually posted on my friends page))
Me: i know my son would have also preferred us have had the financial marriage arrangement BUT he did say he would ONLY have been ok with his ex dad moving back in ONLY if his ex dad had been willing to do extensive family counseling and had been willing to go to massive amounts communication workshops and emotional intelligence training.
> I remember when my son told the cps worker that, she laughed and was very impressed by that wisdom..
and i think it would also apply for you and your spouse: Whether you did the financial arrangement of staying married but separated for the added financial benefits both short term and long term
">OR if you did the other version of divorcing but let him co-habitate (with or without physical benefits for your kiddo's sake)
< ..in either scenario, i do agree that kiddos wisdom should probably be applied to your spouse as well of making sure that y'all get family counsiling and to go to communication workshops for communicating needs. frankly I think this should be required just simply to become married in the first place with and encouraged for ALL couples and all relationships of any kind. ."
" i did finally respond to the earlier guy who interupted by saying "yo friend of a friend, you two are not them. Our two friends have their own dynamics. It's not about backing down of making sure one gets needs met All i am saying is that its about looking at alternative strategies..and that there are far MORE options available out there then just a simple black and white decision of a divorce. And asking for her to consider alternative options"" >Not only to recognize that there is more then just the standard two options but to also recognize that marriage can be considered from a totally different perspective of just "a financial arrangement" with or without benefits.
">">One can cohabitate married or unmarried. One can be married with an open relationship. I have been doing a sociological study talking to people who practice the SD/SB arrangement and suddenly my eyes have been opened to so many other ways people do relationships and how if you take out the religious aspects, for many marriage is really just a "finacial arrangement" done merely for the kids with an exact expiration date. When the last kiddo turns 18. They have open relationship and have no other obligation to one another other the finacial one and the aggreement to be there for their kids. Social security wise, some people limit the arrangement to only the first ten years of a kids life.
"Point is, to not limit ones understanding to just the traditional thoughts on how our cultures views of how the traditional marriage works. In todays world of open relationships the multitude of possible variations are endless. My many polyglot friends seem to understand this but my traditional friends have a little more difficulty with it.
my friend inserted a thought here: "he was never interested in an open relationship and i don’t really see any of those options working for us, but thanks."
Me: well, IF he ever reconsiders that option, i do hope you will consider one of the many possibilities. i know it took awhile for my mind to grasp too. but the more and more and more polyglots ive met who are loyal to a primary along with meeting all these people who do a SD/SB arrangements and/or who treat their marriage like that, the more and more I have started to become awed by it.
My original exposure to it was this couple who divorced legally, but where he moved into the guest room so the kids would always have them both available in the same house and didn't have to deal with going back and forth. in my mind this family were my heroes, though even then I wasn't sure if I could do a polyglot situation like that, though i have met so many polyglots since then that I've been convinced.
.for me personally, the one kiddo and i most wish we could been allowed to have was one of those marriages where the spouse at least continues to honor their financial and monetary obligations even if they cannot honor their emotional and phsical commitments... ie at least letting us stay married in name only (financially and medically only) so we could have least been protected and cared for since we did not actually do anything and it was just my spouse just wanting to start life over to go explore getting a new family bc he didnt like ours anymore, but that was it..
from there, only sometimes have I seen where the spouse lives in the same house, though several people i met who have made it work, opted to just visit or stay with their family only on weekends so they could have kid time in a non obtrusive way and in a way that did not make their family feel torn apart. .
i kind of got the impression that it worked well for them. Personally i think it would have been better for them if the spouses were still intimate at that time, but only rarely did I see where that occurred but again, i think that has something to do with how our cutlure is..
IF your s was ever open to such a profound idea (AFTER lots of therapy, family counseling and communication workshops) and such, I hope you will at least discuss the many options. . though if he is slow like me, it will take several months/possibly years to open up to such an idea.
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