To the people who blame facebook or other social media for the loss of their marriage

So i wrote this in response to someone who blamed social media, in particular blaming Facebook for both his and other people's divorces/marriages falling apart.  And used this as their reason for not being on ANY social media of any kind.

btw, if you do read this all the way through and appreciated my sharing of this conversation with you, will you please please subscribe and or follow along.  Please also write in a "hello" at the bottom of this, so that I know that you actually heard what I had to say.  I would appreciate it ever so much.  I really do appreciate your connection.   and hey, if you want to send a boost of encouragment to kiddo and I, we would be ever so honored if you could part with a $1 each month to send our way.  Either on www.Patreon.com/KeE or via paypal at www.krineteagle.comm    thank you...

Originally Written March 2019

So I deeply debated whether to send these thoughts even though it contains my empathy for what you experienced.

But I also so do want you to know how much i appreciate your allowing yourself to share your perspective of what happened .

I think maybe i see now or maybe have a little better understanding why you have a negative outlook about social media and i think maybe at a deep level esp after having had my own rather traumatic experiences back in 2016 and 2017 i think i on a deep level i truly appreciate  why you choose to and almost in a small way might even need to (and i use that phrase carefully) blame the fb media site for being the tool and means your wife chose to use in order to try to get her needs met more easily -- rather then getting them met through you, family, her own inner being or through some other alternative but healthier means that might have been more  beneficial rather the destructive  to the marriage.

The feelings you felt when you realized she was going elsewhere to get her needs met and then finding out how this came about must have been very difficult for you.

I DO so feel and think i understand and comprehend your incredible pain.

And i do feel compassion for your desire to want to blame the tools she used. 

I also imagine that at your core, you are already aware that fb being just the mere medium that she used, that even if fb had been denied her as a tool, she still probably would have eventually found some other tool/avenue/way/medium to get that need met somewhere else though maybe with it being more difficult in other ways she might maybe have found a way to get them met through the family, but i gotta admit based on what i know about people i think eventually this would have happened anyways if it happened at all...

Id like to believe that the only reason it even had a chance of happening was bc her brain had the misunderstanding and misperception that she couldnt get that need met easily enough in the ways you would probably would have preferred her to get that need met.

(I use this thought to soothe my brain about my own ex sometimes)

Although i never had any infidelities (though in my case i think it would have been way easier and better for my ex if i had since near the end, even just asking for a tiny ten minute show of affection from him in any certain way was often way more then he could handle with eveything else that was going in his life), I know for myself, that in my own marriage i struggled with getting those psychological needs met .. "to matter, to be important above all else, to be valued, to be connected, affection, all of that.". or "attention" as you referred to it as.   In many of the audible we read, many emphasize how these needs are the ones that mankind will seek out in any way possible. Some studies have shown that those needs can in many ways be even more important then food. In that creatures of almost all sentience will often risk going without all other needs in order to attain those particular needs.
FB does happen to be one of several ways/tools/avenues/mediums to get that need met more easily.
(((Actual dating sites, email, phone texting of people they meet, btw are also just another tool like FB that already married people use to try to get that need met.. merely a tool) (Just for amusing counter perspective, and try not to overly react to this, but would you have been any less furious if she had used one of those tool instead?  Would you have boycotted the use of those as well if she had gone through one of those mediums?)))

Many of us seek getting that met through others rather then through oneself. I admit that probably part of the problem in my relationship with my own ex had probably been similar in that i had started to forget how to get that need met through myself in my desperation to want to feel important bc my own ex had been the most important thing to me outside of my home and my kiddo)  but i no longer knew how to make myself important to me unless i was his wife.. so i panicked when he left instead of feeling confident.  In a way your wife did something similar of not knowing how to give herself attention so seeking it outside of herself by seeking connection outside of herself.  And yep fb does often help scratch that itch when one is feeling disconnected to oneself and others That actually how it came to be such such a great resource for sharing ideas.. bc it allows people a way to get that need met.

You dont need to answer this, but sometime you might just consider asking this question: is your anger really that she had been tempted at all to get that need met in ANY other form other then through herself and her family?
And does blaming the tool that made it easier for her to do this really address the deeper issue of why she was tempted rather then how she was tempted...

Regardless of whatever need she was trying to get met,  IS it the fact that she went outside of her vows to you that maybe what most hurts?

That disruption and violation of your sense of order?

And perhaps also maybe a sense of confusion of how could this have happened?
and that its just easier to see the fb site as good enough explanation and entity to blame?

Ok, i totally would react well if you were asking me these same questions so in all fairness i shouldn't be asking them and please do not even bother to actually try to actually answer any of them .. i am just throwing then out there as similar to questions i have asked myself for different things and sometimes i felt that it helped when i asked these questions of myself. (Not other people asking but myself asking them to myself) so again please dont answer them... just use them if they help you or throw them away and ignore them if they dont.  In fact just dismiss that i asked them anyways. I was just thinking and philosophizing out loud.

I do so empathize so much with your pain.

As i have felt so much of my own pain for very similar reason, only it was different needs for my own ex and a different avenue.

For me, i did for a short while blame me ex's ex manager and his job. But the truth was it had to do with how my ex handled feeling out of control and how i handled how he handled it. Not really the people or mediums involved.

Your wife needed something and out of misunderstanding and confusion by what she found, was just trying to get that need met, regardless of the cost and through what seemed like the most efficient avenue she could find.

But is it really the fault of the tool that was used or the wielder of the tool?

Again, i am just thinking to myself out loud. So my apologies if it triggers any feelings and or reactions.

On an intriguing note, While contemplating your situation, even outside of the thoughts i just shared, I also made an interesting revelation about myself -- about a pattern about myself i have done at least twice now, but had not put much contemplation on before....  About my feelings of some repressed anger i have had about certain people and friends/acqaintances that had an indirect or possibly direct effect on my relationships.

And i had kind of a renewed reflection on some of my own issues with some internal anger/frustration/disappointment/sadness i have been having off and on with people.

So again, i apologize if my thinking oit loud triggered any negative emotional reactions. I think i am glad if it triggered a positive deeper and reflective thinking but deep deep apologies if any negative reactions...

Bc i really am truly most grateful for your having allowed yourself to share what happened with me. :)

I do actually consider it a treasured gift.

Thank you for that. :) :) :)