Have you ever paid someone to talk or text to you?

I have a question about that?
Maybe its a confusion I have.

When you call or text them.. it's the connection you are looking for?

Do you ever care enough about any of the people you interact with enough to want to help them out? Beyond just paying for the five minutes you chat with them?

Does it ever bother you that the person you are talking to is only getting a small percentage of what you are paying the company you went through?

Ugh, now here is a horrible thought: its maybe even a worse percentage then if that person was pimping themselves out. :/  what a sad thought.

Sometimes when i lay awake at night or in the morning when i am suppised to be sleeping but i am stressing instead, i contemplate getting one of those jobs of texting people.. but then my shudders at the thought that the only people hiring are adult fantasy companies and that maybe the only people calling are people who want to talk about sexual stuff - which is a topic i dont want to talk about.  There are to many other beautiful topics in this world and that one is overdone in my opinion.
The closest id be comfortable doing to that is talking someone through some relaxation techniques.

Ie. : " Lay back, close your eyes, lengthen your spinal  cord. Let the tension flow out of your shoulders, relax."

But the thought of someone bringing uo crude sexual crass vulgar conversations.. i wouldnt be able to bear it.

Okay so i am a prude and more like a spiritual nun, even though i am not christian i am about as close to a nun as one could get.  I married once, gave my heart and sould and body to that man and after 20 years he abandoned me when i didnt behave the way he wanted me to behave.

I am sorry i coukdnt be the person he wanted me to be.
I am sorry i cant be the person you want me to be.
I am sorry I am not likely to be accepted the way i am.

I am sorry that i am not likely to find someone who wants me to be happy and who is willing to dole out enough money to keep my dreams safe and happy.

i am sorry my dreams are so expensive.

I am sorry that there are hundreds of other people also hurting in this world and that i cannot help them either.

I am sorry and i am sad.

And my tooth hurts. And i am scared.
And my heart hurts.

And i am feeling sorry for myself.
And i am feeling sorry for eveyone else as well who has a need that isnt getting met or who doesnt feel safe or who doesnt have hope or who is scared.

Kiddo and i watched this youtube show about the future of the universe and what the universe will be like after the galaxys have all fallen into black holes and the universe is empty of all matter and light and it is quiet and all particles are spread out nothing connected. All alone.

Amd how precious this moment is.
How even this pain even if it wil son be unbearable bc i cannt afford a dentist. Or the transportation to go.
And how trapped i feel by not being able to drive or go anywhere for myself.
But yet,
How precious it is that i am alive.

And how that at least kiddo and i have these few precious years before my ex attempts to kick us out of our home.

I am not able to function or do what i want for my famiky and our dreams the way i wish to .. either monetarily or transportstion wise.

Years and years ago I lost my husband. And i am sorry.

I am sad and my body and mind and spirt are tears.

But i am alive. My son is alive. My mom is alive. as long as we are alive there is stil a chance that someone might help us with our dreams.

We are lucky to have what we have.
We are more lucky then most people.

I wish it didnt come with the cost of sadness and fear and physical pain bc i cannot afford treatments.

I wish it did not come with such sadness.

I wish all i had to do to earn money was just to exist and be here and just write to you periodically just about life (avoiding all topics that were lewd).

I wish we were financially secure enough so that i didnt have to worry about losing our familys land, so that i didnt have to be dependent on anyone else, so that i could just stay home and take care of my son, my mom, the cat and the land. In peace. In safety.
With as many cameras, recording equipment and tech equipement as my son and i desired.

Please lord. It really isnt asking for that much to be allowed to have that.

I feel so utterly ashamed to ask for that bit of peace and happiness.

But Please.

Please. While my family is still alive. Where we can be alive and have that peace and safety and each other, our property, and be able to function.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.