Oct 2025 2:08pm
When I am in this state of mind, it is nearly impossible for me to make a video where i see my own face, bc I cannot stand what I see in on the screen.
Am I in my head when I am writing? Or bc I am taking what is in my head and sharing it, is it considered outside my head?
I love you 😘 💞
I just want to be allowed to live, to love 💞 😘
To love you?
Can someone tell me why is it Everytime I go to type love it comes out live? 😂
Yes it is funny I agree with you AI that throws up emotions for me..
I love you
So writing bc my ego was hurt a moment ago when I was sharing a thought with kiddo but I have this habit that when I am sharing a thought with kiddo that I share them too intensely or something like that? And it's a bit to intense for him? And I see his body react and shrink in to get away from the intensity of my emotional connection to a thought?
For some reason this really hurts my ego and my brain starts going through these thoughts of doubt of whether it is okay for me to exist and feel things so passionately.
A long time ago I used to think of it as shame for caring about ideas ..
And I had the question is it wrong to care about things too much? Well everything in moderation they say..
Actually I do think it is possible to care too much about something. I see it in Mom often. She cares about things that none of the rest is us even want cared about. For example if the door is locked at night. Some nights it seems as if it is the only thing she can think about bc it was gives her permission to relax knowing that it is locked and the illusion of feeling safe.
Kiddo and I know that a locked door is irrelevant against the threats of the world so the concept of a locked door is ridiculous to us. Although I suppose back when one of our neighbors was still alive there was one brief time period where I did want to make sure the door was locked bc for a few months there she had this habit of just opening the front door when she wanted to visit? Yeah, so we had to start locking the door so she wouldn't just come right in..
But for the most part, often when kiddo and I had the house to my ourselves after the divorce, once we starting opening back up to the world, there were many evenings we just left the front door wide open for friends that walked by to feel welcome and invited to just come on in. The open door being a signal we were feeling social again and welcomed visitors.. whereas a closed door meant we weren't feeling social right then and best to leave us alone.
We actually have a massive PTSD reaction to the sound of a knock on the door as it quickly became associated with the concept of waming : a massive threat exists on the other side of that door. Whether it was the ex, or something related to the ex, or the city giving a citation or a debt collector. Even if there were friendly people on the other side of that door, the possiblity of it being something that wasn't friendly left us afraid of the door knock..
That is something I long for.. to never be afraid of the door knock again .. to have so much financial freedom and confidence to just know that whatever the problem is I could just throw money at it and the problem would be dimished or just go away..
It is why I couldnt ever get married for love again.. but I could for money . If the person who was giving the money would allow kiddo and i to have complete control over our family's home and land and everything within its space .
That is my wish...
I love you world.
I love you person that will let us do this.
Who are you that will allow us to have our wish?
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